Larry the

Cable Guy

Jokes & Sayings


Larry the Cable Guy Sayings & Quotes 2
By: The Working Man

Larry the Cable Guy's jokes are satirical jokes. Satire is
defined as a written work in which folly and human vice is
attacked through wit, derision and irony.

In his stage shows "Larry the Cable Guy" makes fun of the
southern redneck culture, the developmentally disabled and the
gay culture, as well as politics, the government, and many other
subjects avoided by the "politically correct."

Most people believe that Larry the Cable Guy is a real person
when in fact it is just a character played by comedian Daniel
Here are some of Whitney's jokes in his persona as Larry
the Cable Guy.

                              Larry the Cable Guy


- I don't play with myself. I was cleaning it once and it went off.

- What happened to airplane attendants being cute? What the hell
happened to that? Them girls were so ugly they would make Ray
Charles flinch.

- This a Song I wrote about my girlfriend. She cheated on me with
another man. It's called "I Can't Get Over You til You Get Out
From Under Him."

- I was madder then a deaf-mute playing Bingo, getting Bingo, and
trying to holler out Bingo, I tell ya...

- I was living with a girl for eight months, until she found out
I was living with her (or "...until she found out I was

- I was seeing this girl for about six weeks, until someone took
my binoculars...

- I was dating a red-head once, no red-hair, just a red-head. It
was her birthday and I thought it would be cool to light my
farts, and it caught her hair. I called the Fire Department but
they said they couldn't get to us so we had to meet them halfway.
I was lucky I passed a couple of red lights or we would've lost
the whole kitchen.

- I was madder than a skinhead watching The Jeffersons!

- I was more confused than Ray Charles with a "Where's Waldo"

- My sister was getting married, and she's a big ol' sum.
Her friends were about as fat as she is and she bought them all
matching brown dresses. They looked like a bunch of UPS trucks
parked in the middle of the parking lot.

- I was taking a crap once and then my sister walks in and says,
"I gotta get my hairspray." All of sudden she says "Uh, smells
like crap in here.", What do you think's coming out of my rear,

- I once tipped a stripper with Monopoly money, and after that
she said "That's fake money!" I said "Alright, well them's fake"

- (If NASCAR had sponsorships from feminine products) "How'd you
get tickets to the Tampon 200?" "Well, we pulled some strings."

- You are harder to understand than a harelip ordering Biggie
fries, I tell you. That's funny. "Can I help you?" (slurred
voice) "Uh, Wiggie fifes." (normal voice) "What the heck are
'Wiggie fifes'?"

- [My brother] got eliminated from the spelling bee. Apparently,
there ain't no number eight in the word "pollinate".

- I wanna do the world's biggest "Git-R-Done". So on the count of
three... wait a minute. I'm in Houston, so on the count of

- I went out with this one girl, and she scared me. One day she
says to me "Soon you're gonna hear the pitter-patter of little
feet!" and I'm thinking, "Oh Lord, she's pregnant"... She ended
up leavin' me for a midget.

- I'm married now, so I don't date much anymore.

- [My wife] still has that new wife smell to her.

- I do need to lose some weight now, I gotta tell ya. I had a
threesome last week, and I was all by myself.

- You know gas is expensive when you see street gangs doing walk-

- I went jogging last week. I didn't want to, my car broke down
in a crappy neighborhood. I lost eight pounds and my rims.

- Here's my least favorite four stripper names: Edna, Bertha,
Gertrude... Walter.

- These two guys go hunting and the one guy says, "Good lord, I
can see your house from here and your wife's cheatin' on you with
another guy!" The other guy says, "Oh, I've had it with her.
Shoot her in the head and him in the privates!" He says, "I
can get that in one shot!"

- This guy goes to his doctor one day and the doctor says, "I
have bad news, and worse news." He says, "What's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "You got 24 hours to live." He says, "What's the
worse news?" Doctor says, "I forgot to call you yesterday."

- I was baggin' my groceries at the grocery store the other day
'cause it was busy, and some old lady comes up and pat me on the
head and said, "I think it's wonderful they hire people like
you." I was like (retarded voice) "THANK YOU!!!" Then I wet
myself and ran her over with my cart. (retarded voice; walks odd)

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