By: The Working Man
When You're Up to Your Ass in Alligators.....
The objective of all dedicated employees is to thoroughly
analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to
their occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move
swiftly to solve these problems when called upon.
However, when you are up to your ass in alligators, it is
difficult to remember that your initial objective was to
drain the swamp.
Alligators and the Russians
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race
realized that if they continued in the usual manner they
were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole
dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to
breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever
side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The
losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and
Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the
biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the
biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his
siblings, and gave him all the milk.
They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up
with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and
nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up
with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund.
Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew
there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten
seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of
it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog.
The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and
charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close
enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened
it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.
There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have
happened. We had our best people working for five years
with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the
world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best
plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator
look like a Dachshund.
Alligator Shoes for Blondes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst
way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local
vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, "Maybe
I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a
pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe
you'll catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set
on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he
spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water,
shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator
swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the
creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the
swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead
The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde
flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts
out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
A Guy & His Pet Alligator Walk Into a Bar
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He
put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished
patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's
mouth and place my privates inside. Then the gator will
close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing
this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and
placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the
man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on
the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man
removed his privates, unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay
anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell
over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A
woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise
not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
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